bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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