At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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