It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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