When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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