the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
