Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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