shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
