ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
