glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
