that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
