i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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