So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize