areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
