Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
