I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
COCAINE IS GR8
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
