My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
