When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
