He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize