and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
