Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize