I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize