does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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