guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize