Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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