Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
