God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm passing your future prison.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
