My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize