I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Randomize
