im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
