I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
