All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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