It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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