How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
