i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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