My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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