I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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