so that wasnt chicken after all
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
