I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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