Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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