i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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