wrigley field is MILF paradise
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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