Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
