Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize