Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
It's never too late to be topless.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
