She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
