she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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