Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
