Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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