my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
