They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
