I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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