a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
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