i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
