last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
