Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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