I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
