You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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