my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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