I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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