we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
