Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
The ass gains better be worth it
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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